<nettime> Fwd: U.S. Citizenship, Now with Free Chicken

[Bruce Sterling <bruces@well.com>]

*Finger-lickin' good -- bruces

Begin forwarded message:

 From: "futurefeedforward" <fff@futurefeedforward.com>
 Date: Sat Feb 01, 2003  05:54:19 PM US/Central
 To: bruces@well.com
 Subject: U.S. Citizenship, Now with Free Chicken


 November 3, 2027

 U.S. Citizenship, Now with Free Chicken

 WASHINGTON DC--In the first of several planned state and
 federal initiatives designed to attract and retain
 qualified citizens, U.S. government officials announced
 Friday the launch of a special program managed by the U.S.
 Department of Agriculture guaranteeing U.S. citizens a
 lifetime supply of boneless, uncooked white-meat
 chicken.  "We're very proud today to fulfill a legendary
 promise to the American people," exclaimed USDA Deputy
 Director Tracey Lapoole.  "A chicken in every pot, today,
 now, for every American, and forever more."

 Delivered daily, five days a week, by U.S. postal carriers,
 the chicken, initially drawn largely from USDA reserves
 and purchased in surplus and secondary markets, should be
 sufficient to satisfy the daily calorie requirements of a
 grown adult male.

 "Though originally we planned to tailor delivery
 quantities individually, for logistical reasons, we
 settled on supplying enough chicken per citizen to satisfy
 the daily needs of the vast majority of Americans,"
 explains Fredrick Breaker, UDSA VP of Marketing.  "That's
 almost 40 ounces of white meat per citizen per day.  A tall
 order, but I'm happy to say that, with the cooperation of the
 Postal Service, we're up to the task."

 Taking advantage of excess and decommissioned capacity at
 local and regional post offices, and of an exploding U. S.
 poultry supply driven by the high-breast yield of
 contemporary chicken breeds, the plan calls for a gradual
 shift from dependence on reserves and open market
 purchases to a system of decentralized production and
 delivery based around the postal network.

 "Eventually, the chicken you get in your box every day will
 be locally grown and locally slaughtered," explains
 Breaker.  "Empty sorting facilities will be repurposed as
 high-efficiency chicken barns, your postman or postwoman
 will learn an entirely new, challenging skillset, and
 you'll get fresh chicken every day."

 In addition, as part of the initiative, the USDA has
 submitted to Congress a suggested amendment to the Oath of
 Allegiance to the United States taken by new U. S. citizens.
 "[The project] is about delivering chicken, but it's also
 about winning the hearts and minds," notes Breaker.  "So
 we've suggested that the Oath become more of a two-way
 street.  New citizens promise us their loyalty, and we
 promise them wholesome chicken."

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