Alan Sondheim on Fri, 5 Jan 2007 17:49:35 +0100 (CET) |
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<nettime> my life collapsed |
this was culled/scraped from http://www.asondheim.org/biog.txt i have been working on an autobiography stemming from a simple perl program #!/usr/local/bin/perl -w # biography $| = 1; `cp .bio .bio.old`; print "Would you like to add to bio information? If so, type y.\n"; chop($str=<STDIN>); if ($str eq "y") {print "Begin with date.\n"; print "Write single line, use ^d to end.\n"; open(APPEND, ">> .bio"); @text=<STDIN>; print APPEND @text; close APPEND;} `sort -o .bio .bio`; exit(0); that gave me the opportunity for sorting and organizing memories; the program was then abandoned as the entries were flushed out; the prog- ram was then re-employed for new memories, and so forth. the result is unique among autobiogs, as is the entangled compression below: my life collapsed 1942 how was i possible when 1943 did not ask to be born there no atomic hydrogen bomb television still prenetwork computers were partial dreams the idea of distributed community inconceivable world iron and nightmare are early screen memories being carried on a medical gurney past rows medication bottles lighting fluorescent nurse pushing cart remember everything from position behind her walls tiled think some light beige yellow coloration 19431997 have had my faults less them now but nonetheless i've read about difference between remorse regret latter covers acts former state out one's control it's that haunts me over other hand violence denigration fills anyone who is sensitive it with we watching planet turn towards slaughter disease extinction torture tomb 1948 or thereabouts remembering crying in car mother worried if she kept kissing she'd run kisses already frightened gathering security comfort where could this very memory oddly sitting back seat reaching front road ahead invisible 1950 all through childhood take weekly saturday allergy shots terrified arm would swell up like molten hive hives as well hair camp once huge swollen lip chewing plant stem grotesque an antique microscope doctor dattner home practitioner family friend given small film projector crank side crinkled black translucent window for viewing animated cartoons work has stemmed magic reminds last bergman you saw images sense beyond may been playing blocks two sets german one artificial stone cut into basic shapes died pastel english wooden architectural elements many which painted these worlds along stuff cocker spaniel believe always tried sink maternal imaginary repeatedly expelled 1952 really don't date wonder love theresa worked went asylum vague dates blanked golden kind melting later appeared different names writing might associate magdalen wonderful british tricycle large wheels red wagon sidewalk house tree backyard dominates what yard doesn't pine right since down pogo stick pair stilts perhaps receiving monthly things science blue cardboard box label transistors miniature vacuum tubes experiments real toys designed sent premise promise around year moved reynolds street ford avenue friendly brennans any more used fight serrated pieces wood screendoor tear moving new originally set do fishtank angelfish example parents bridge loebs somehow name 'raub' also comes father yell at everyone during game wake time he caught reading under confused odd obdurate nature particular permanence loss history present only even document must what's reconstructed here synchronous shifted slightly diachrony 1955 operation ears pinned traumatic hideous novacaine didn't remain local 70 injections ended screaming felt deformed cutting flesh sound trauma stayed entire life feel fragility organized power grid type constant basis nothing leaves alone something john kulp colp book knife see sunlit room students young floor earlier kindergarten 1956 heard elvis loved word fuck someone showed elvis' picture paper then again miserable leon asking why underdog bunk because deserve replied bow arrow swimming than mile laps emerged head dave schell's wife giving hot drink favored water much own mckenzies clancy al counselors brought their keelless canoe day storm jacket oar sail come quickly shore brunonia lake pleasant near casco watched masturbate thrilled homoero tic genitallycentered masturbated bleachers forget his same close others unforgiving record bouncing pingpong ball paddle while campers leaving him beginning voyeurism exhibitionism circuit completed ceaselessly shower bathtub sperm stuck everywhere associated masturbation urination retaining urine spurting both myself ecstatically sooner abandoned i'd lie legs spread etc 195660 cried sleep bed table keep list best friends so surprise sort obscene proxy softness unpainted 19568 joined american forestry association similar trees flitted another couldn't identify runic alphabet 1958 johnny uhl walking late night threw neon inn sign fell smashed glass tell never scared too coward wyoming 1959 probably junior white dances seminary hopelessly platt townend yes dancing breathless letting go fly across wanted danced pity blond hope episcopalian reason dar long line laura june beth way am afraid dying wanting die fall asleep dreaming margaret hall saving desperately they'd toward care eternal devotion tears pillow sentiment say after wrote antigerman poem met corner castigated bring dead buried somewhere found birth magazine tuli kupferberg he'd published anais nin's diaries girl looked treasured those moments ed sanders gaslight maybe monk point just thought noise knew lightning hopkins thing yusef lateef copenhagan horn player dewdrop hypos door joel us hearing 1960 ann welsh walsh first girlfriend succeed impotent until 24 completely hysteric insecure finally broke yelling break fear touch contamination body by happened terrible written poems beauty apart wasn't cleanliness unclean towel dirty bedroom kingston barely made senior prom cheri kanjorski sp hated don evans' afterwords lights off secret sexualities going jealous despair get dance waterskiing boat swung dock hit face serious wound flunked semester brown collapsing learned hold give faculty they hating worst class composition buck system asked write footnotes oneline rest limits decent salem witch trials anne's breast sick grandmother's behave yelled breaking each other's arms working settlement east harlem arranged thinking exactly sickness hallucinatory constitutes situation horrified volunteered army tests checking reflex times came extremely high basement catch people faking deafness living pete 125th ran frontal lobotomies literally starving death unknown diseases woman weigh least ton unable move apartments broken toilets feces evil landlords decay buildings dream spanish countesses dressed incredible kids surviving midst israel summer largely jerusalem almost became religious meandered country mea shearim blur driven mix trip 1962 says great deal context desert waking morning disappeared can fictionally reconstitute they're meaningless you'd successful period attested psychic experience patti rogers kill herself syracuse suddenly pembroke realized call calmed hysterical hadn't spoken months called main dorm took straitjacketed hospital corrobrated decades threesome consummated marriage testi fied against divorce although actually court procedure visiting york city married chile suicidal cockroaches hiding clock tenement apartment remarried else severe rheumatoid arthritis christian fundamentalist ago farm village left joked force husband jesus conversion relieved jew isn't blasted received nuremberg report started clear star david chalked wall moment panic realizing today 2006 tour judea propaganda 15 years holocaust thinkg straight depressions continue let assert randomly accounts anything physically weak smart unfocused touched rarely seeing germs seemed change towels every bathed closed within sheep case forever seem chemical transformation surplus wards sleeplessness exacerbates does continued poverty university ia richards gave talk school pushed shortly sheaf course said future taken next mailbox annotated comment talent enough legitimation colin wilson spoke fuss surrounding dorms matter beginnings obscure bounced existence making better highschool misery roughly approaching dormitory got should admitted uncle helped grades erratic freshman mixer walked saying negro mess fast 19601997 sleeping insomnia goads days can't lowered temperature accompanied horrific feelings submergence fuzziness fully awake there's imbalance tending depression states remarkably flu function signals misplacement react suffering 1961 disaster dean pull fought antisemitic put pig's nose jewish belonged traditional 19611962 second roommates spent toothpicks log tormented horrible know doing escape hell roomate built transistor radios without cases wires falling onto curtains belong roomates victimized fumbling student risd incredibly erect ecstatic events surely before hardly began guitar blues abroad jaundice played fake fingers alive leroi jones amiri baraka campus turned created quite stir stand complacency hebrew bus scooter lambretta drive useless equipment ham radio gear wn3drp kid novice license contact away use transitive among physicalreal disappear factory open middle machine identified cannon wheel end valley its turret revolving ever low building wide seen flowers trimmed grass enormous furious beat townies covered blood looking mine hoping scare idiot guard insisted bent pretty keith waldrop fondness larry goldstein teachers forgotten thesis advisor edwin honig old age want happens rumor negev distance facility intended development production nuclear weapons surreal stones sabras intent eliminatnig attempting sholem aleichem land jews israeli spy action egypt heavy hail unexpected size golfballs grandfather cat returned told 1953 result accident funeral grand i'm feeling breakfast changed encapsulated temple facing member managed shot absurdly safe galil witnessing battle israelis syrians un condemned attack safed kabbalah introduced wittgenstein tractatus logicophilosophicus remained favorites continues haunt final sentence far often scaffolding account roommate textile [and fragment missing lost software hardware leave poised brink on] 19621963 mainly overdose opium wonders fox omens following studied tools stekelis bible story joseph nachamah leibowitz relatively bad poetry blown happening reply sometimes listen coded messages traveled mousterian cave droned olduvai trench person human 1966 europe zabor drummer group borstal dover drugs 1967 your saved pills vitamins *** speak repressive climate entry removed sexuality virginity tragedy revelation full secrets songs released fellows piece words tired sprechstimme 1969 libretto 19671968 three records esp independent greg johnson flute esps review penguin encyclopedia jazz above vindicated riverboat done slightest original opinion 19671970 anarchy madness setting elsewhere destruction good doomed cowardly cross conservative secretly 1968 bought ibm selectric electric typewriter anode jerry joe dallas 1997 worn crazy t'other little tune music philosophy divorced alimony decided lawyers ready weren't we'd waldrops editing ppress handprinted acconci benedikt monotype aesthetics problematic easy create beautiful style meaning design art distrac tions ai mit weyl wiener ignored poststructuralism discovered ravenous waldrops' burning deck press providence ma experimental socalled cover publication however slight lived minneapolis poor area asphalt heat tornado warnings tornados cellar roared overhead slammed driver muttering himself wedding father's antisemitism removal hopefully series cannot onself certainly meant nh silence constantly grapple vito our dismallycathected relationship talked swapping women gone sensed wrong wondered cathecting sexual mutual genius ones acker laurie anderson ionosphere mentioned artist aram saroyan purity angered bernadette mayer appears occasion emphasis tough historical important buy constitutionally opposed skittered cultural landscapes edge 197071 proceedings protest awful instead heel lot acid whether chemistry talking green lime notorious commune stopped paying rent figured illegally owned switched sparked filled shit literal plumbing charlie quicklime heating starting taking ceilings fuel burn loudspeakers ten foot poles elmgrove rosmarie bit rental $500 sum isolated macrobiotic restaurant usual lousy lover tracks quotation marks please locked trying unsuccessfully orgasm simultaneously obsession veering level difficult recognize true closer able bringing descent mumbling 1972 beth's diets carrots tips toes nipples orange vinegar diet lasted 1973 paris biennale world's smallest sculpture scanning electron based assassination president nixon diagrams relating general structure french usia articles rosemarie fame stable artistically teetering fact few recommender 19731974 month voyeur empty longer subway block dizzying meet artists recollection sure london ian murray barbara reise afternoons bohm discussing quantum reality part manuscript implicate order critic concerned primarily greenburg conceptual source conversations dominate flat camdentown kentishtown alcoholic apparently decaying driving hitting major influence terms flower ornament sutra breadth knowledgeperson ality wilkesbarre camera birkbeck college inside recovered wouldn't happen america 1974 rosemary loft yourself drawings obsessed drawing backside angry isenheim altarpiece munich together paid individuals postmovement edited $4000 advance $2000 plus commission visited diary expected rat fucking notion greenwich below trade center undergoing construction architects' maproom blueprints downstairs chess bored abstract expressionist anne lectured place ucsd cal arts kathy yale wesleyan parted dubious allison tape reactions strong st audience wept laughed depended responder followed suit emotional san diego raised money make considered virtual introjection projection sexually explicit emily cheng feels trapped loving 16th 17th eat landing suicidally inverse mood seems eiaj reels decayed logic consciousness military defense tina weymouth fourteen stations presented mark's church influenced suites figure ackersondheim tapes affair chris franz opening afterwards shaken wished cockroach knowledge mary boone slept coldness furniture sculptural remarkable gallerist representing friends' works warned pest dara birnbaum desire stop speaking cared 1975 onthebowery borrowed videocamera aimed image burned replace tube hung perfect bob bielecki hear teaches bard meshed performances astonishing begin ning 800 multi media homegrown tension storytelling most intense experiences revolution sorts soho company performed quietly sullen standing ovationssplit vowing somewhat damaging worship affected thick exciting forward teeter ing awkwardly 1976 ellen nova scotia taught nscad askevold robin collyer shirley witasaalo hazen northern ellesmere island raise funds peggy's cove winter drowned amidst sea ice icecovered rocks invitation vladivostok using container port backdrop madonna 19761977 text composed hysteria information network theory annihilation codeparticles printed halifax williams editions parts surface article c model networking threshold logics attempted construct succeeded tradeoffs formalisms phenomenologies descriptions models excite demands rereading interpreter 1977 aliens comprehended reminiscent fantasizing salvaging planets desires beings superior weeds generalists hartford salle robert cummings rita meyer marcia dalby answer meeting learn culture forth replying alan that's politics become 80s issuing contin ued squirrellike joanna totally unprepared everyone's immediately handle babysitter tensions irvine train haven horvitz calls conductor rushed traveling missed itself worthless throughout veered arrogance self loathing tamara bowers rewarding anal sex eyes having tasmania telling masturbating turning running failing return destroyed mean sorrow whitney shows agree mention show $2000$3000 widened total collapse validation letter unemployment mutilated painful 19771997 gets older relate indication failings honest younger keeping disturbing 1978 hayes erotic decade garden sunlight bright pennsylvania breasts intensity 19781979 california commuting montreal teach concordia ottawa 1980 involved saner relationships characterized extremes exhaustion wear generation remembered sexism mild deceit coalesce 37 quebecois referendum nicole brossard feminin ecriture hubert acquin resonated 19801982 ucla departments sungja lee rossiter mistreated badly accusing 1982 queenstown eastern killed traffic pulled punks half returning ritch resign drank closest nervous breakdown belgian hairdresser outskirts town cabinets gives whatever look 1983 curatorial nexus contemporary atlanta drunk openingfunction attend putting freaks 198385 teaching ontario staying amherst border depressed curatorship 1984 exhibition cost $800 salonstyle alternative shown 19856 paul celan's elegy related pure milk skin retain afterthought afterbirth 198587 texas corrigan's multidisciplinary program arrived eleven denise 1986 punkindustrial musicians damaged week voice replaced singer 1987 tied urinated drew cunt asshole prick transported sucked tampax counterpoint sore forehead disagreed frustrated mad devouring ourselves 1988 treated nancy threatened shellie fleming curator hallwalls upon weeks psychosis behaved artistic director hallways job undefined arguments tebes executive april resigned directorship artcenter buffalo 1989 hounded sided silent western north carolina spring start happy i'll she's civic we're nowhere neurotic messmass picks highway desperate avoid curtis vth exhausted energy wasted 198991 anywhere fighting silences trips hours video audio chattanooga society fit relatives suggested absolute mouth shut hate closures generally boy nice neighborhood barking dogs religion descendent tennessee's governor potentially frances van scoy vel west virginia correct 1991 reissued cds zyx contract bernard bernie stollman revamped available led renewed career musicsoundwork 1992 committed truck pulling expression stunned hour 1993 internet xt post derrida michael current recommendation frost advertising papers issue fiftieth birthday cake live givena miracle pretend 'warmth' cyberrelationship grad toronto keep's postmodern cyberfucking ns library depressing 1996 november attended cybermind96 conference perth australia keynote speaker participated number panels murdoch kim antonio jason summa sydney begins treat possibly shouldn't generalize agrees differences wasis shaky mike gurstein pilot projects wiring province natalie macmaster autobiography ordered #usrlocalbinperl w # biography $| = 1 `cp bio bioold` print add yn chop$str=<stdin> $str eq y {print daten single ^d endn openappend >> @text=<stdin> append @text append} `sort o bio` exit0 enter alphabetically lines sections lose dictionary symptomology launch party doctress neutopia photographs net web site round dealing wider range issues grassroots apologized friendship existed seventies 477 chiyo hakataku fukuokashi 812 japn 81926336048 attempt reduce clarify strands incomprehensible life's gnarled sinew rhizomatic owe january 722 ccen economic visavis listened lisa macarthur play strathspeys freighters kristin's jason's comparative emptiness brother mark joins lexie four coast oregon nyc lunch ny fukuoka hard 2 try understand will seattle travel victoria brother's join stromatolites cyanobacteria tendrils carton ted byfield version jennifer rewrote saul ostrow z coda denouement jargon peripheral asides bodies poorly haven't grown endure stories za transitional condemn further corners navigate custom 1998 30 jobless crashlanded august september hopeless thanks jon marshall's help christine tamblyn kyoto feb 20march 20 kangaroos wallabies bush lexie's 'culling' ie killing azure carter huntington beach amatory correspondence 215 southern dec mla conf sf corresponding soon potes poets revised online canberra phd ideas 'sms' develop nikuko 1999 airport 5 waiting arrive tom leslie responsibility jersey stabilize appointed writerinresidence nottinghamtrent england february 2000 cheryl ito dies 2nd trace intervent bulletin boards racking repllies comments obligation participate rang changes nottingham trent headed sue thomas several deliberately format 19992000 hinge recroded traceroute sources contributed amount data y2k problem exist mapping routing march 19th illness devastating sister held reciprocal busloads hadassah members 400 cards sandy gerry weiss rift deep sondheim anger breaks sister's joanna's margie distant tire outcast 2001 marry 14th reception july bureau municipal witnesses ate irish pub zweig's leslie's rafi coming novel bear won faulkner prize fiction miami florida international interview simply promised facilities programs technologies funding 20012002 supposed reviewed eliminated carol damian department veiled threats shape studio ground flooded tin warehouse airconditioner ceiling hanging raw cement glue finished access lowgrade consumer camcorder classes $20000 2002 daily nightly everglades roamed halls separate shed getting mail meetings crits jacek graduate noticed alligators larger birds periphyton trail observing invertebrates species hemiptera prove wet overight monitor sensors appear crescendo placing various kinds connected heart lung monitors gary wiebke shark flashlight amazing moth residencies foofwa d'imobilite creating parables texts reprinted echo altx books publish ondemand 2003 developed 'limelike' complete corolla suffered mostly allergies flare unusual localized 'lowtemperature' symptom symptoms codeine medicine relieve woozy occur third doctors diagnose psychosomatic 2004 florian cramer unstable digest nettime email occasional collection codwork 'purged' ad hominem attacks ken wark wayward salt poetics blazevox printondemand title wvu's environments laboratory logical lacan motion capture 'avatar' seriously remapping nodes 'inconceivable' configurations clothing poser blender abstractions studies tensed halfvirtual half'real' 2005 sad sell materials james byars need weighed short artwork find tendency whenever regrets firemuseum central cd performing gcac lonely brush pavement troubled unfathomable october eugene lim problems attitudes screamed sarcastic remarks speeches upsetting situations aporia knot doublybound conceivable resolution closeness stay pattern starts residency santa ana frequency vlf produced ranging explored bolsa chica wetlands release toad wild constructed complex avatars integrated included nude harsh selfloathing selfish six formally raptor sanctuary annie slowly releasing hacking watch kestrel absolutely perched electrical field worldpivot headache gary's hammering leak leaked seeping mortar stained windows mold anything's periods scenarios involving scenery background form mocap exhibited track16 gallery la such blessing barry sugarman suicide he's johnson's sanity pressure joblessness relations health healthcare lack nightmares public tonic recording alpine zither extensively guitars blog hungry ghost baldwin inspired theoretical essays analog digital defuge track 16 monica thornton embedded features 12 channels videoaudio including five projections deals war encapsulation distorted avatar sexualized scandal alps aletsch glacier gruyere prealps geneva sublime representation rather hermeneutics $84000 debt azure's loans selling sleepless worse brain twitches medications aspirin welbutrin cholesterol dancepiece geneve incidence twice preceded maud liardon dropped lausanne performance betrayed dancers bourgeoisie incidences brilliant skinn harmonica portable chromatic scale classical parlor crepuscletwilight danse creates tremors grutli lasts 41 minutes youtube nikukoblogspotcom increasingly unravel recent earthquake taiwan locally havoc spam abject illegality particularly vicious eaten willingly sight jordan flock 10000 starlings largest ibis greater dusk roaring planes envied evident communality mentallyimpaired blame dosage naked penis crippled known personality disorder partially ego neuras thenic freudianwise disasters suicides rages wars angers limit walk teeters fury daring visit aunt brooklyn heron inhabitants prefer spite you're likely dolmens stonedstony isolation saves incessant devastation 2007 memo memorial memorygraph meme remembrance reminiscence mnemonic skitters backandforth remains undone dissolving cold rain biogtxt skittering phrase makes resol utions scattered represents inhabited dreamed inhabiting corral scattering material proust yet shatter imminent conceived familiar cherished pages becomes debris torn asunder wounded falls rebuilt remnant coherency infinite richness devolve momentarily sunk language except forgets shattering releases substance sun inclement yesterday cusp announcement 3kth soldier iraq crashing false resurrection orders commands odds 7 shaking adrenalin surging ruined tonight leather bound codex laws indexed switch stores landscape ocean dark grey poisonous sky darker littered twised ruins earth climb embankment stairs marshgrass woke breathe certain scapes partly devastated spit scrub sand meandering atlantic houses top cliff rhode airliner crashed spilling racks posters bands lives places won't recourse distort wellbeing damage backgrounds desolation foregrounds sunless emptied fallen subterfuge coupled inviolate targeted occurred they've choice horror inconceivably inescapable shuddering shivering chance # distributed via <nettime>: no commercial use without permission # <nettime> is a moderated mailing list for net criticism, # collaborative text filtering and cultural politics of the nets # more info: [email protected] and "info nettime-l" in the msg body # archive: http://www.nettime.org contact: [email protected]