<nettime> Walking (Micro)Softly, Carrying a Big Stick

[owner-nettime-l@basis.Desk.nl]

While I hate to perpetuate the lamented trend of simply posting 
news items from mainstream media to nettime, this particular piece 
caught my attention, and was -- well, too hard to paraphrase...

Cheers,
Michael Benson


MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY

REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret
facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am
PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with an 
announcement by the US Department of Justice that it would initiate
antitrust action against the world's leading software manufacturer.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any
and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in
the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear
fire." A Microsoft PR statement released immediately after Gates' 
press conference warned against "overreaction" to the comment, 
emphasizing that his words need to be "taken in context."   

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of
Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it
was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain
bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would
boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the
administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement"
with Microsoft. 

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test 
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear 
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire 
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, 
"but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold 
copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace 
Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither 
confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric 
generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, 
"but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on 
the Internet is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would
explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so
hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical
power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell
those stories about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing
all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the
project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up
progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the
biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware
engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second
time."

Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.
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